When I was younger, I spent a gap year in New Zealand. It might sound glamorous, but truthfully, I could no longer afford to stay at MIT. Personal and financial circumstances had compelled me to accept the first job I could find.
When my plane’s wheels kissed the tarmac of Auckland Airport, I was apprehensive. I was eighteen years old, and I had just signed a yearlong contract to live and work in a country where I knew no one. That year, I moved at least five times, bouncing from suburb to suburb. I flew to Melbourne and Sydney for work expos. Did I have many homes, or no home at all? Light’s angle of refraction changes depending on the lens it passes through.
My transience gave me adorable encounters with farm animals, unexpected wisdom, and fun stories. But it was also anxiety-inducing. My paychecks didn’t always arrive on time. I slept in public libraries and learned which cafes had bathrooms without customer-only codes.
I never thought I’d have to repeat that situation, but who could’ve expected 2020 to be such a trash fire?
To be honest, this year has kicked my ass. Familiar housing worries returned: I moved from Cambridge, MA (MIT) to Mountainside, NJ (boyfriend’s house) to Portland, OR (parents’ house) back to Cambridge and now back to Mountainside. Money was tight and the first installment of my book advance didn’t arrive until July (not due to any fault of Simon & Schuster’s, processing is just slow). Simply put, life was hard.
I didn’t want to write a retrospective post, because it seemed like everyone else was celebrating. I signed my dream job offer! I scored a 4.0 GPA! I got into law/med/grad school! Which is wonderful, but I didn’t feel so fantastic about my own year. I’m not trying to garner sympathy; I am so fortunate, too. I passed all my classes (they were all on Pass/No Record) and got into math programs. I learned how to code and scored a software engineering internship. I sold my novel at auction and signed a two-book deal.
But somehow, in the searing light of everything that hurt about this year, those achievements seem distant and dim. So I decided to write this post, because maybe you feel similarly, too.
At the beginning of the year, I wrote a blog post about my goals for 2020. How did they turn out?
Cherish my close friendships. Due to the pandemic, everyone was asked to leave campus in mid-March. I haven’t seen most of my close friends since 😭 I wish I’d kept in better touch with them. Steven, let’s watch more of Reply 1997 together, even if you’re across the pond.
. . . while cultivating new friendships! Actually, given the circumstances, I think this was pretty successful! When I moved back onto campus in the fall, I became new friends with my podmates Izzy, Steph, and Gilbert. And I’ve gotten to know so many writers through Twitter and my cohort of fellow 2022 debuts.
Get more involved on campus. I’ve always struggled to find a club at MIT that really fit, but I finally found something I truly care about: making the math department a better place for marginalized students. I ended up organizing the inaugural mentorship program for the Undergraduate Society for Women in Mathematics, founding an LGBTQ+ math group, and taking on a few other responsibilities.
Exercise more. HAHAHAHAHAHA. Although I did pass the swim/boat test, and took a sailing class…so that’s something?
Read more. Yes! I did so much reading this year. Some of my favorites were Little Fires Everywhere; Daddy; The Poet X; Today Tonight Tomorrow; Parachutes; The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes; and Felix Ever After.
Seek out research opportunities. I got a research opportunity this summer, but my housing situation was pretty stressful so I had to step down 😞 But I’m hoping to do another research project next year.
Procrastinate less. *laughs in Netflix, Twitter, and Reddit*
Become a better critical thinker. I think this happened, but perhaps not in the ways I intended. I still don’t have satisfactory responses to questions like “how do we define Good?” But all the isolation of this year gave me more space to introspect and reflect.
Worry less about GPA. Well, my GPA stayed exactly the same, given that all my classes were on Pass/No Record. But who knows if I actually learned anything from Zoom University…
Be bold. Yes, this happened! I did many things this year (spoke up publicly against injustice, connected with people way cooler than me, etc.) that I didn’t think I had the courage to do.
I have expectations for 2021—opportunities lined up, an AirBnb with some friends—but as 2020 has demonstrated over and over, plans can fall apart so easily.
Rather, I’d like to cultivate and practice some core values: courage, compassion, and integrity. I don’t know if time management counts as a value, but I’d like to get better at that, too.
If you’re still reading this, I wish you all the best in the new year! ❤️
I wish I could be half as smart as you are. Great reading your letters
I wanted to add an important activity: "Bang" more.